July 26, 2012
Last night, as the night wore on, I knew I was slipping into my “Concrete Overcoat” as I call it, meaning Depression. Dark images came into my mind and at one time Elaine kept saying “I don’t know what you mean” or “We aren’t talking about anything like that” Eventually I made my way to bed as I always do, about an hour before my “Angel” so I can listen to my music for an hour and try to chill to keep the night terrors away. One hour later, as Elaine walked in I was still sat on the edge of my bed, head in hands and could not see a light at the end of any tunnel.
People with Dementia are excellent at hiding things and I believe that those, like me, and in later stages who know there is no cure at the moment are very susceptible to depression. I have been on anti depressants now for quite some years, but sometimes, no amount of Chemicals can work for you. The very thought of slowly losing your mind and forgetting all those close to you is without a doubt the most terrifying thing`s that can be faced. To know there is some invisible enemy, with no Physical symptoms as such, that can slowly drain your mind of memories and every day skills is almost incomprehensible, and yet this is what we face each day as we wake. If anybody ever tells you they are not worried about it, they are just putting on a brave face, believe me.
I am often asked if I am scared of Dying or I am scared of having Dementia and my answer is always honest and true “OF COURSE I AM!! I AM SCARED STIFF!! Every day I look into my beautiful wife’s eyes and thank God I can still remember who she is!!! When we go for a ride to the beach and I recognise where I am and how wonderfully scenic it is, I am sometimes reduced to tears as I have always considered myself to be so lucky living here, but what will happen when/if/ I ever forget that I do ?? And, what frightens me more than that?? I try to put myself in my “Angels” position , or my children’s and try to imagine what it would be like when their Husband/dad/Grandad turns round one day and says I Don’t Know Who You Are? As I do floods of tears run down my face as I can still remember as if it was yesterday when my own father said the very same to me just before he died of dementia.
All I can ask everybody is please, sometimes, just sometimes, when you don’t get that happy smile back at you, or that grin that makes you giggle so much, it’s nothing personal, it’s just sometimes, those of us who have this awful disease, are just as frightened for you all, as you are for us!! We are worried about how you will manage, how the future will treat you and how your life will hopefully improve after the Grieving. Yes, we do worry about things like that, even though we might not say so.
Sometimes it’s not “WHAT” we say, that shows you we love you, its “WHAT WE DONT SAY” that can also say a million words.
Remember my dear friends, sometimes,
Silence is Strength
All my love, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx