December 18, 2012
I am tired, so very tired. I am tired of being awake half the night, I am tired of not knowing what I am saying or doing from mid evening to morning the following day. But most of all, what hurts me most of all, is when I look at My Angel Elaine as she walks in the front room in the morning with rings around her eyes, yet still smiling and looking at me with such love. Every time I see her like this a piece of me dies!! My heart actually hurts as I feel awash with helplessness.
Whoever thinks that Dementia is just about memory loss are so far off the mark, who ever thinks it’s just about becoming incontinent and forgetting what you have just had for dinner need to speak to me!!. I am more than happy to talk to anybody, make a video, or speak in front of hundreds/ thousands if necessary just to tell them about how I throw all the cutlery away after eating my meals, how I try to catch butterflies at 7pm in the evening and how I rampage through the house at all hours in the morning FULLY AWAKE and try to stop the “Evil ones” from breaking down my door and hurting my family!!!!!
Just memory loss?? I think not!! How about when I can’t cross a road by myself anymore and have to have my hand held like a child because I have lost all sense of Danger regarding traffic!! Or when I have to sit there whilst being dressed, my shirts fastened, my tie made up, or even my shoes tied especially when we have company before we go out!!!!!
But worst of all is when it comes to my family, the thing I hold most dear in the world. People don’t realise what goes through my mind when I see them looking at me, sometimes with pity, sometimes with love, but what crushes me most is when I catch them with a small tear running from the corner of their eyes. Do they think I don’t notice this? Do they think I am too ill to feel my heart dying piece by piece because when they hurt I hurt?
Please tell me
What has this got to do with MEMORY? LOSS!!!!
Sometimes I am so sad, sometimes I am so upset and sometimes I am so ANGRY!! But I turn that anger in to determination my friends, a determination that comes up from the ground and through my body until it explodes from my head and shouts so defiantly at the skies
I WILL NOT BE BEATEN!!!!
And so it will go on, as long as I can go on, have faith my wonderful friends, have faith and know that one day we will all walk together in Triumph as we defeat this awful disease dementia!!
Onwards and upwards my friends
Norrms, Elaine and family xxxxxxxxx