Yesterday was spent with my two youngest grandsons and my eleven year old granddaughter who is growing up fast!! She has just moved to secondary school and becoming more curious by the day. During the day the conversation turned to what she wanted to do in the future, her hopes and dreams. We are a very close family and talking about these things comes easy, but, trying to keep a smile on my face as she talks about the next few years was hard to do. She asked about future Christmas`s and her growing into a teenager and hopefully becoming a vet but there is time yet to change her mind (as she quickly reminded me LOL)
As many of you know I am not usually stuck for words LOL and especially where my grandchildren are concerned but I must admit I struggled a little yesterday and with the emotional attachment that goes with it, it was a trying time. The look in her eyes of expectation and hope for the future was absolutely wonderful to see and all my hopes and love are invested in her.
But, what about the uncertainty of my future and how do I keep up the facade? It`s certainly a tough one. As we said goodbye to them yesterday I gave my granddaughter a big special hug and thought about what was to come. How do I answer her questions in future? How do I say with confidence and honesty that I will always be there for her as I have always been since she was born? And how do I not lie to her when she says “Promise me Grandad?”
As an Alzheimer’s sufferer when I was first told of this illness nobody but nobody can prepare you for this kind of emotional turmoil. There are no rules or regulations to this awful disease apart from the certainty of the outcome unless they find a cure! Nobody says “Hey!! I know of a book that tells you what to do and how to deal with things like this! Yes there are a few booklets to advise on how to answer any awkward questions from children but the reality of it is when those questions are asked its life changing and so emotional you are never really prepared for it.
My love for my family and children is unquestionable and undying and I will always believe it will be, but at times like this it completely throws you no matter how hard you try to say it doesn’t and the feeling of emptiness and helplessness can completely consume you and throw you into a pit of despair. These are the feelings and things people never tell you about or talk about, these are some of life’s hardest lessons to learn when you are an Alzheimer’s sufferer.
I can deal with the “I am going to die “part as I have had such a wonderful life and couldn’t have wished for a more loving and supportive family. I can deal with “I have so much to do yet” as I have done so much, seen so much and been as lucky as any man can be through life, but what I have trouble dealing with is the fact that chances are I will NOT see my children’s dreams become a reality and be a part of them, and I will NOT see the look on their eyes as they achieve all they want to in life.
Alzheimer’s wants to take all this away from me, but I promise you as I have promised myself, NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT
“Where There is life There Is Always Hope”
Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxx